he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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