I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
