toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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