I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
