The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You pole danced in your parka.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
