Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
