people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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