Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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