Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
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