So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
