I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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