omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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