your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
