I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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