Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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