sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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