Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
