ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
