your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She bit a glass in half.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
