if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
