I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
