I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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