totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
