shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
