Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
