i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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