Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
