Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
