I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
