do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
