i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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