I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
