booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
