My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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