It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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