My nipple is on Facebook.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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