My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
