I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
