So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
