I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
