I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
