This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
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but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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