he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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