You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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