just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
