do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
