when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
