Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
