im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
