I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
