dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
