I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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