shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
