Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
