i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
