Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
