imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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