she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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