life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
