Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
